ALLOVEME BLOG – Feb 2020

Maya Angelou said it best, “Your legacy is every life you’ve touched”.

Welcome to the ALLOVEME blog. Our blogs will be based on the topics we discuss in our workshops. We invite you to join in the conversation.

It’s Black History Month and a good time to talk about legacy. In our Legacy workshop, we discuss legacy in the perspective of our culture, our history, our families, and our past and then build on how we can define our own legacy.  We include an interesting activity at the end which we call a “Real Talk” Moment.

Ms. Lori
Ms. Lafaye

I talked to our newest board member, Lafaye, to explore legacy from our own viewpoints.  Lafaye is in the age group of our program participants and being that I’m almost twice her age, she provided great insight into what our young ladies may be thinking about when it comes to leaving a legacy.

Here’s how it went…

Lori: Lafaye, welcome to our first blog for 2020 and welcome to the board. We’re talking about legacy this month and I want to get your views on the subject.  What do you think about when you think about your legacy? What are your views on legacy in general?

Lafaye: When I hear the word legacy I think about my journey. It’s a chance for me to reflect and think about my past and the things that shaped me into the person I am in the present. It makes me want to go hard, and be successful in my present so that those around me will have someone to look up to, and I can look back and be proud of the things I’ve accomplished, the people that I’ve helped, and the ways I’ve inspired.

Lori: Interesting, your views are not so different than mine.  I like the “go hard” attitude and let me tell you, it never stops, and I appreciate your wanting to be an inspiration.

Our families in the past were broken by law, by hate, by sale and have left us full of stereotypes, assumptions and false (and some good) perceptions. Does our black culture impact how you view legacy and what it is you want to leave behind?

Lafaye: Absolutely! Black culture is the best culture to be a part of because though we have experienced a great deal of pain and misfortune our people have always found a way to bring light into the darkest situations whether it’s through food, music, dance, and even inventions. We create something out of nothing, and though often times our Ideas are stolen WE KNOW what we’ve done, and the world really wouldn’t know what to do without us, and our contributions. Black culture is the blueprint. With that being said, it’s important to me to contribute to my culture by bringing awareness to the issues we face, but also reminding us of how amazing we are. For me, it’s being able to show black people, especially the women and young girls that God created us with doses of strength, resilience, intelligence, vulnerability, understanding, patience, creativity, and intuition. All of these things play a part in your passion, and in that lies your purpose, and from there you create your legacy.

Lori: Wow, I love it and you are so right, you know we do indeed think a lot alike. I’m going to have to steal your line about God and how He created us. I absolutely love that and will share it for sure.

A lot of times I think our individual upbringing impacts our legacy, too, you know, “following in their footsteps”…  Sometimes this can be good and sometimes not so good.  One example I can give is my mother was not good with money and she definitely passed that on because as early as in my 20s I was filing for bankruptcy.  It’s learned behavior, but again, we learn from it.  I do, as you know, still like to get my shop on but thankfully I’ve learned some new behavior and began to handle my money with respect.  At the same time, my mother was the kindest person you would ever meet, I think I got that from her too. 🙂 But really, I also have histories and cycles of abuse, abandonment, and mental illness in my family…it can even be how we raise and discipline our children.  We do what we see. From your life experiences, what legacies do you think you carry on from your family?

Lafaye: Growing up both of my parents were hustlers. They knew how to make fast money, and be independent. However as fast as it came, it went even quicker, and they were not financially responsible with their money, and this caused them to lose money, bankruptcy, and even led us to being homeless. What I did take from my family is the drive to make money and provide for myself, but due to experiencing the effects of their financial mistakes I’m way more careful with money. Sometimes I’m even afraid to indulge in buying things for myself. I tell myself “oh you don’t really need that or you can get it later” and I never do, even when I can afford it, or have earned it. It’s an internal mental battle because I never want to be responsible for my own financial downfall, but I know I deserve to be comfortable with enjoying luxuries that I can afford. Especially because I work really hard for them.

Lori: I appreciate your carefulness but do want to let you know it’s okay to treat yourself, you deserve it and you’ve earned it.  I saw your carefulness during our outing last week and you know it was so difficult for me to let you buy lunch but at the same time, I respected it, understood it and appreciated it.  Seeing you grow is amazing and I’d rather see you careful with your money than frivolous so, right on!

I wanted very much to change some of the cycles in my family, I wanted to carry on something different. All of their experiences and all of my own affect my quality of life. Sometimes, too, I think we get caught up in our own past mistakes, but that can’t define us either.  If we didn’t make mistakes, how would we learn?  How would we grow? We start thinking we aren’t good enough or we don’t deserve better and that’s bull. Some of my past isn’t even my fault but I’m been paying for it all my life.  We are a product of our environment but we can change for the better if we really want to. 

I decided to see a therapist to work through some of these issues and gain some different knowledge and I’m so glad I did.  We get programmed by our experiences, our learned behavior, especially as young people. It’s taken years but I feel like my therapist has given me some tools to see things differently, change how I’m wired. I’m so thankful.  We as black people generally will not see a therapist because the stigma is that we are weak or crazy but whatever, I’m gonna do what I need to do because I want to be happy with myself and who I am. And like Iyanla says, “you gotta do the work!”  What do you think?

Lafaye: I definitely agree with doing the work. I think the first steps to freeing yourself from all the negatives and insecurities that we carry, comes from being able to find inner peace within oneself. How can I teach someone to be great if I’m holding grudges? How do I tell you to speak out when I’m afraid to confront my own secrets? How can I tell someone to shine when I secretly carry shame? The answer is you can’t. When holding all of these things inside and then trying to give someone advice based on your mental and emotional experiences that you haven’t dealt with, you may subconsciously be passing on the wrong answers, and this leads to toxic cycles. For example, my family has a history of sexual abuse, and when the victims spoke up about it they were told “that never happened” or one of the most common things you’ll hear in a black household “what happens hear stays here.” This has subconsciously been instilled into so many of us, that when things happen we just let it be, hoping that we’ll forget, but trauma can never be forgotten. We then carry shame and hurt from not being protected, and this leads to toxic behaviors that we believe will help us suppress these hurtful memories. Many people develop some form of addiction (drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling). My family is no stranger to EVERY LAST ONE of these addictions I’ve listed. The worst part is that yes it’s generational. I didn’t want that for myself, so I decided to deal with myself.

Lori: That’s really powerful, Lafaye, and my family carries many of those issues, too.  As you grow older and recognize the power that trauma and silence have on your life, you have to find a way to break free, for yourself, and therefore, leaving new legacies for those that follow you.

During Black History Month it seems we’re focused on the legacies of others, usually high profile, usually famous and wealthy and we certainly want to honor and respect them for paving a way but what legacy do we ourselves want to leave and how do we develop a legacy?  I think Maya Angelou said it best, “Your legacy is every life you’ve touched”. Good or Bad, we leave a legacy and I think we leave it every day, what are your views? 

Lafaye: I think we should always honor those who’ve come before us, and especially those who’ve paved a way, and may their contributions always be remembered and celebrated. I think we all need to remember that we are all beings, and that God put us here for a reason. God also places people in our lives for a reason, season or lifetime, and only time will tell what category they fall under. A legacy begins by simply doing. Whether you do for yourself, do for your family, do for your community, or do for your culture, just do something. One Idea, one moment, one gift, one gesture of kindness, one act of service can create an everlasting memory for someone else, and can spark up something that they didn’t even know existed within them.

Lori: You are so right and I think the first part is recognizing your passion and purpose like you mentioned earlier.  I recognized my purpose years ago, helping people. Now, how to do that comes with time, and well, here I am with ALLOVEME, and therein lies my passion.  I also try my hardest to do a kind deed or gesture EVERY DAY!  Help someone some kinda way, sometimes it’s an elderly lady in the grocery store counting change to pay for her food.  I’ll tell the checker I got it.  Sometimes it’s just a smile or letting someone get ahead of you in line, holding the door, buying someone a frappuccino when they don’t expect it.  It doesn’t have to be a big deal but it can spread good will. That’s part of the legacy I want to leave, change someone’s life even for a moment and if I can do that every day, I’m happy. We do all have work to do on this earth and I’m not talking about our jobs, we have work that God put us here to do. Everyone’s purpose will manifest itself in its own way but if we are not striving toward doing our work, we are going to be in trouble. How are you building your legacy?

Lafaye: There are 4 p’s I live by and once you find these you have to start practicing them as well, and that’s peace, purpose, passion, and presence. Your peace is the calmness and patience you have to find within yourself. Your purpose is the reason you are here, the special blessing that God has placed upon you that allows you to send a message. Your passion is simply what you love doing. It’s the gifts that you have that helps you to heal yourself and others. Your presence is the heart and soul of the being that you are. It is the light that you bring through every door you step through, and every room you sit in. You are a person, and you matter PERIOD! Walk through life with these four things, and I promise your journey will become smoother, and greater than you ever expected.

Lori: That’s beautiful and definitely something I will add to my arsenal of positive thinking. I think if we are really going to define our own legacy we have to take the time to determine what we want that to be, act in that way, and stay on the path.  We may not be famous or wealthy but we leave our print on this world.  And it’s not about after we’re gone, it’s about right now!  What legacy did you leave yesterday?  What are you going to do TODAY to leave your print on it so that tomorrow, your legacy will be a positive one from yesterday, and so on and so on.

Lastly, Lafaye, what black women of power will you be celebrating this month?

Lafaye: I will be celebrating two of my favorite actresses, and honoring one of my dearest mentors. I would like to celebrate Ms. Angela Bassett who is not only an amazing actress, but also a great humanitarian, and advocate for the American Diabetes Association (also my Soror). She is important to me because she has inspired me to use my own gift of acting, but also to bring awareness to a huge health issue in the black community. This is also a health issue that has plagued my own family so its important to learn about it, and find ways to stop it. I celebrate Ms. Mo’Nique because even in the face of backlash or being blackballed she refuses to be quiet. She will not allow money and power to silence her story or stop her integrity. She knows her worth and will not let society tell her she is anything less. Finally, I honor you, Ms. Lori. You are someone who has helped me come into my own. You have mentored me, checked on me, will put me in my place when I need it, allowed me space to figure things out while still monitoring from afar just in case I still need a hand, and most importantly loved me through it all. I honor you by standing with you and working next to you as we get ready to help service another group of girls coming into their own. Not everybody gets to receive their flowers while they’re here, so it’s important for me to let you know, and show you, that I received everything you have given me, and taught me, and now it’s my turn to help teach and give. There is no better way to do that then by helping you do the work intended for your organization that will be your legacy, thank you!

Lori: Well, thank you so much, I didn’t expect tears but you got ‘em and I receive those flowers with an open heart and gratitude.  I have so enjoyed watching you grow and am so proud of the woman you have become and are still becoming.  And thank you for your honestly with these questions. It’s not easy to put yourself out there but as difficult as it may be I believe it’s the only path to being our best selves. I know God puts me in places for a reason and you being a part of my life is right there at the top.  I thank you for allowing me to share this life with you and thank you again for helping me to create what I think turned out be a great first blog.

Love you.

Lafaye: Love you, too.

Final Thoughts: Legacy is often defined as a gift of money or property in a will but we can do better, leaving behind an impact on someone else’s life. 

My legacy will not be defined by my culture.

My legacy will not be defined by my family history. 

My legacy will not be defined by my past.

My legacy will not be defined by stigma. 

My legacy will be defined by ME.

It’s time to be mindful of what God intended for our specific lives and leave a legacy reflecting His intention.

Carol Moseley-Braun

“Defining myself, as opposed to being defined by others, is one of the most difficult challenges I face.”

Source: http://www.regalrealness.com/2013/08/15-quotes-by-confident-successful-black-women/

ALLOVEME Affirmation:  Only I will define me and my legacy.

REAL TALK MOMENT: Your Eulogy If you know you are going to live to be 100 years old, what do you want to be read for your eulogy? ALLOVEME Ladies journal their thoughts.  We hope you will take the time to write down your thoughts today.

2 Comments On “ALLOVEME BLOG – Feb 2020”

  1. Sitting in urgent care for this coldflu thing, waiting and read this.
    Love it.
    Michelle Obama
    Sometimes you need an objective person to just hear you out,” she says. Going to therapy gave the former first lady a completely different outlook on her marriage. “It taught me that I was responsible for my own happiness. I didn’t marry Barack for him to make me happy. No one can make me happy,” she said.

    “If I’m going to show up equal in this partnership, I have to be able to make myself happy and so I had to stop focusing on what he wasn’t doing and start thinking about how to carve out the life that I wanted for myself, with or without Barack,” she told Oprah. “The more I succeeded in defining myself for myself, the better I was in my partnership.”

    Definitely leaving a legacy every day.

  2. Claudette L McClenney

    This was an awesome conversation between two real women who are changing their legacy and at the same time others can learn to change their legacy as well. We as black (African American) women are learning to speak up, show up, show out and support one another and that’s part of a legacy.

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